How to Cure a Fear of the Dark (in the Bedroom)

When the lights go out and the two of us slip between sheets, we enter a world where our wildest hope and our greatest fear meet.  

What we want more than anything is to be known; it's also what we will avoid at all costs. 

When we live with such powerful and opposing forces within, it’s difficult to get along with ourselves, let alone each other. It’s no wonder the bedroom is such a charged place. Our most primal needs-- both biological and spiritual- are made vulnerable here. Naked we need and naked we run. So much is happening in our brains, in our bodies, in our hearts and in our souls, but most of us do not speak a word about it.

Where would we begin if we did?

Would we tell the story of when we were 3 and we found our uncle’s Playboys, and how we equally marveled and were sickened by what we saw?

Would we tell the story of our parent’s marriage, or the movies we watched to find more hopeful fantasies to believe in instead?

Would we tell the story of the first time someone touched us, kissed us, and how wonderful or horrible, or nothing it was?

Maybe we would go a different route and share how when we were 5 we loved to dance and read books about unicorns, and when we were 10 something tragic happened in our family and the world became a scary, unsafe place.

If we had the self-awareness to connect all the dots between our mother’s depression and our own young adult promiscuity, could we find the right words to explain? And with the words,  would we find the courage to speak them?  Would we share with our partner what confused us, hurt us, delighted us, and shaped us in all we we heard and experienced about sex?

Because this is what we need most of all. This is how we cure a fear of the dark.

My own journey towards meaningful freedom in the bedroom has taught me that we don’t need toys or techniques, lotions or potions, Cosmo magazine or the Kama Sutra.

We don't need anything as much as we need the courage to start telling our story to our partner.  We can and we must move from shame and resentment, to freedom and joy. On the other side of our bottomless despair is a wild and playful desire that is infinitely safe, but it takes a brave woman and a brave man to meet there. That's you.

When the lights go out, and we slip between sheets, sometimes the most intimate thing my husband and I do is shine a flashlight on the dark corners of our own heart and let the other one see. 

 

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown

If you want courage and tools to own your story and experience new love, belonging and joy in the bedroom, we can help. Sign up for our free webinar below.