When was the last time you had really, really great mind-blowing, across-the-universe-kind of sex with your wife? The kind where you were pretty sure you just saw a double rainbow, or heard the secrets to the universe, or felt the earth move?
What about just the feeling of being really connected with your wife when you made love?
Odds are it’s been a while, maybe a long, long while, and this is totally normal. It's normal because relationships are hard, marriage is hard, passion over the long-haul is hard to maintain. Add in the rest of life and it often feels insurmountable.
The stress institute calls marriage the 7th most stressful experience a human goes through. It’s only out done by things like death of a loved one and imprisonment. We all know the challenges of marriage, of being known and being relied on.
But we also have to recognize that it’s not just marriage that's stressful, it’s all of the pain in our life together. It’s the culmination of our pain. The things we’ve done, the things that have been done to us, and the things passed on to us.
All this pain wants to come to bed with you. And it's killing your passion.
If you’ve not had great sex in a while, know firstly, great sex can wax and wane like the cycles of the moon.
We all go through seasons where passion just seems to disappear like vapor, the river runs dry and we’re left with fear and wonder if and when it will ever come back.
I've got some good news and some bad news.
Bad news first, pain from a passionless relationship will not go away on it’s own. It has to be addressed otherwise it will only get worse.
Now the good news.
CarlJung says that “Where we stumble and fall, is where we find pure gold.”
Richard Rohr, the author, speaker and Franciscan Friar puts it like this, "The place of the wound(s) is the place of the greatest healing."
Think of the pain you feel in the bedroom as an invitation to more. More healing. More connection and yes, more passion and more sex.
So what does it take to really reignite passion and enjoy the deep conection that you know you and your woman are made for?
More good news: it’s possible to change, you just need 3 things.
1. Know That You Are the Biggest Problem
Does that sound harsh? Take it on the chin my friend. This also means you have the power. You can’t change your wife and you can’t make her want more sex or feel more passion for you. You can’t even make her like you, but you can take a cold hard look at yourself in the mirror and decide to take care of your side of the street.
If you are just shaking your head and saying, it’s her not me, then you’ve got bigger problems than this blog post can help you with.
But if your palms are sweating, keep reading!
So where do you start?
I love rock climbing, I live across the street from maybe the best climbing gym in the US, I go about 3-4 times a week. The thing with climbing is, it’s really hard on your body, you have to listen really carefully to the feedback from your arms, shoulders and especially fingers. Feel that little ache in the middle of you left ring finger or that dull warmth deep in your right shoulder? That is your bodies redline indicator say, back off the throttle buddy.
So where are you redlining?
The thing to remember with both marriage and fitness is that progress isn’t gained or measured by one or two gargantuan sessions of full out effort. Real progress comes from the steady, disciplined, planned effort over a long period of time.
I’ve got a friend, we will call him Bob. He's is a great dad and a loving father. He’s successful and owns more than a few great business. He and his wife had one kid and wanted another baby, but by the time he’d get home and they would get around to trying for kiddo number two, he just couldn’t get to that place where trying for a baby was an exciting endeavor.
Bob reached out to me for some coaching and as I listened to his story, I was struck at how open he was (this is key). He was openly admitting that he didn’t want to have sex with his wife, but he wanted to want it. He was clearly looking at where he could change.
Not only was he was looking at where he needed to change, but he was also looking at where he could be more helpful to her.
Which brings me to the second point.
2) The answer you are looking for is (probably) already inside of you
Bob and I talked long enough to pinpoint the one thing in his life that represented the problem.
It’s scarcely a single thing, but there is always one thing that represents the pain in your life. For him, it was something really simple...
It was the fact that his son didn’t have a set bedtime. He didn’t fully say it, but I could tell that it represented the chaos that he was trying to avoid in life, the stress that kept him from being able to relax and find passion.
How many of us parents can relate to that?! As a dad, I totally get it.
Bob realized that he COULD be in charge of his kid's bedtime. Two birds, one stone. He got to bond with his kid and he got to love and support his wife by taking something off of her plate. Which, interestingly, made him feel more relaxed.
This took some time to make the new norm, and he needed encouragement to stick with the plan. Which leads me to my next point...
3) You need a power outside of yourself for help.
Now, some of you spiritual types will be saying, YES, I’VE GOT GOD ON MY SIDE!!! Well, let me ask you a simple question, how’s that working out for you?
You need the power of people, not just church on Sunday, to see change in your life.
Think about it. We hire lawyers, we hire doctors, we hire financial planners, we put ourselves in the hands of personal trainers and coaches.
What makes your relationship and sex any different? Get an expert in there!
Why spend money on all kinds of things that will go away, like your car, and not focus on the stuff that you NEVER want to break, like your marriage?
Bob understood this and made the hard decision to ask for help.
It’s a good thing, because the early to bed routine didn’t work right away, it took a few nights for jr. to get into the groove, but eventually it worked. A few days went into a few weeks. Mom was feeling proud of her man for taking the initiative to take care of this kind of thing.
A lot of woman would even call this kind of thing a turn on.
Bob and I talked about a lot more than just routines for his son. We dug really deep into what it takes to clean his side of the street.
It was amazing to see the change that he felt. He started feeling energized and confident about his progress. It bled over into other area’s of their relationship, i.e. PASSSION! He started arranging date nights, baby sitters and small touches like gifts and flowers.
Over time, my Bob started feeling freer, less stressed, and more amourous for his wife.
A few weeks later I got text, saying they were pregnant.