Episode 7: It's almost always a turn on

If you are following along with The R&A Roadmap for Deeper Connection We skipped ahead this week in honor of our first ever Romance & Adventure Yoga Wellness Retreat

R&A Practice #9 Make novelty a habit. Novelty is a big turn on. Put little adventures on the calendar every month and seek out new experiences to share with your favorite people. Say more yeses to spontaneous invites and fun opportunities.

In this episode we talk about the importance of incorporating novelty into our daily routines. According to one of our favorite sex therapists, Esther Perel, novelty is one of the big three universal turn ons (as in, I feel more alive and and I'd like to have some sex!). We find this to be completely true and something we make time for on a regular basis, whether it's a regular date night, weekend away or something even bigger like our recent trip to Europe. 

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist. For journey, for travel. -Esther Perel

In this episode you will learn: 

-the 3 universal turn ons

-the 3 things that normally stop you from novel and playful experiences and how to overcome them

-how to make novelty an easy choice (evan at Trader Joe's) 

-one simple question that turns your downward spiral of worry into an upward spiral of possibility 

-how to balance our need for stability and spontaneity  

-what Mr. Rogers says about the importance of play

-our 4 simple steps to experience novelty in your life

We’ve also included all the questions that we asked each other (plus a few more we didn’t get to) in the notes below. Use them on your next date night with your lover, dinner party with your bffs, or as journal prompts to get to know your own heart better.

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BEAUTIFUL QUESTIONS FOR DEEPER CONNECTION:WHEN

  1. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING THAT YOU DID THAT SURPRISED YOU?

  2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE WAYS TO PLAY?

  3. HOW MUCH DOES NOVELTY INFLUENCE YOUR PLEASURE/INTIMACY IN THE BEDROOM 

  4. HOW DO YOU FIND BALANCE BETWEEN A GOOD, LIFE GIVING ROUTINE AND SPONTANEITY?

  5. WHAT NORMALLY STOPS YOU FROM TRULY EXPERIENCING NOVELTY PLAY AND ADVENTURE?

HUSBANDS: HOW TO PLAN A NOVEL DATE NIGHT

  1. Take charge and arrange the babysitter.

  2. Put the date and time in your calendar. Make sure your wife does the same, or try and surprise her. 

  3. Budget for the date plus surprises that you might find along the way. 

  4. Plan for something she's always wanted to do or really loves doing, but do it in a way that's out of your norm, like starting the date in the early afternoon or drive over to the next town.

  5. On the day of, tell her which clothes are appropriate, give her PLENTY of time to get ready, let her know the kids are taken care of and all she has to do is be ready to be whisked away. For added mystery, just give her the address of the place your date starts and have her take a taxi or Uber and arrive separately. It's really fun trying to find each other in a bar, park or concert. 

  6. Make mental room for being spontaneous. See the horse drawn carriage going by? Go hire it. Do you hear that tango music playing down the street?Go check it out. Is that a wedding party over there? Go be a surprise guest. 

LINKS & NOTES FROM THIS EPISODE

Esther Perel's Ted Talk

Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity

Morgan on a unicycle

Precebes (the craziest food we've ever had while traveling) Turns out the are in Oregon too!

A picture of the little mountain we snuck up in Matera, Italy

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